The Epic Wi-Fi Christmas Story

  It was supposed to be a grand Christmas season for the kids in Dipolville. Every child had put their best respects and emojis in the Dropbox, hoping that Fresnel Claus would bring them new PMKs for their stockings on that most wondrous of nights. And Fresnel Claus was happy to oblige- or rather he would have been, had it not been for the black-hearted Vizwar.

You’ve never heard of Vizwar? He was just the meanest damn ex-elf you could ever hope to not meet, I tellya. One day, Fresnel Claus’ favorite elves were building new SNMP strings. These were the best elves of all; there was Yagi, and Dot-One-X, and Phy. Qam should have been there too, but he got delayed at the border with some weird junk in his hoodie. So Fresnel Claus asked Vizwar to sit in for Qam, and this is where the trouble started…

It turns out that Vizwar had a potty mouth. After Fresnel Claus saw Vizwar making strings like UrMothr, Eat!!Me, and U-Suck#6, there was little for Fresnel Claus to do but banish the naughty little fellow. He had become a fallen elf. Worse, Vizwar pledged to ruin Christmas for Fresnel Claus, and for the children of Dipolville. “By Great Zuess’ thundering butt hole, I shall ruin Christmas!” said he. And the candy canes wept.

When Fresnel Claus went to get in his sleigh, he found that Entropy, his team-leader reindeer, was all strung out. The poor thing just lay there in the grape nuts, softly listening to Billy Idol’s “John Wayne” over and over as she nibbled a front hoof. Fresnel Claus saw little, evil elf foot prints heading across the H-plane, and knew that this was the work of Vizwar. “Oh, what will become of Christmas now?” the fat guy wondered. Only Entropy knew how to overcome free space path loss and to do all that crazy shit that makes sleighs fly. Would the children have to go without their PMKs? Would all their darlin’ little Wi-Fi networks have to be unsecure?

Just then, a magic RFP appeared before Fresnel Claus. It was a telepathetic gift from the Wi-Fi Alliance, sent via the mysterious Ether. He turned to page 802.11, and found these words:

When times are dark and your deer is strung out
Fix a grilled-cheese smoothie and put it up to her snout

And that’s just what Fresnel Claus did. And you know the rest of the story! Those PMKs were delivered and all the Wi-Fi was 10x better and there was pie and whatnot.

As for Vizwar… well, it turned out the unfortunate elf wasn’t so much evil, as much as he had a mind-altering impedence mismatch that put the zap on his head. After the elite 4G Edge Router Rangers tracked him down, the field medic swapped out a 75 Ohm connector for a 50 Ohmer, and Vizwar wasn’t evil anymore. In fact, Fresnel Claus paid the legal fees to have Vizwar’s name changed to High-Gain Seamus. And Qam was freed because a sympathetic judge said it was a bad search.

High times in Dipolville!