The Epic Wi-Fi Christmas Story III

img_0977It was dark times in Ackville back then, I tellya. Since the Great Capacity Riots of ’06, everyone was on edge. The tension was such that a a man would just as soon hack your PSK as look at you, and strangers weren’t treated too kindly if they happened to wander into Ackville.

But one stranger did wander on in, and things would never be the same.

One crappy Christmas Eve, Firewall Bob was all strung out on some junk and laying in the shade, just trying to get away from the terrible noise floor that had settled into the valley. The Packet Boy kept dipping his imaginary cup into the eggnog creek that was’t there, and Varmint Jed couldn’t get a freakin thing on his tumbleweed streaming device except bloody hands. The rest of the townspeople were either too stupid or too drunk to care that SNR was pretty non-existent and their holiday lights were black since The Riots. The hell of it was these poor fools were all wearing retail, and not one of ’em had a shot at ever making it to the catwalk. It was a real shit show, to be truthful.

The Packet Boy was the first one to see the stranger ride in, with festive Ralph Lauren holiday-themed assless chaps and Pierre Cardin blockchains strung all around his neck he was a spectacle indeed. The commotion stirred Firewall Bob who met the stranger before the townspeople could kill and eat him. “Yo dawg…” Firewall Bob said- “what’s yer dealio?” The stranger just chuckled a little bit and pulled out a sling shot from his saddle bag. He proceeded to launch a Cat 6A jack straight at the back of Varmint Jed’s greasy head, then sauntered over to the saloon while everyone just looked at him like they was poorly-dressed idiots what wouldn’t know decent RSSI if it slithered up and bit ’em in the NIC.

The stranger stopped at the door, turned to the crowd, and said “I’m only gonna say this once- follow me inside iffin’ you want this gloomy time of poor Wi-Fi and ugly fashion to be over.” Bay Area Clarice was tending bar that day, and whipped up a bunch of pitchers of Ubiquiti for the crowd.

Suddenly the townsfolk were excited… no, they were energized… by the taser the stranger blasted at the ugliest dressed dude. “For the love of all things decent, don’t wear a Member’s Only jacket in my presence! And straighten out that wretched channel plan!” the newcomer bellowed.

Could this man in risque bottoms be the answer to all their woes?

Once inside the saloon, the stranger pulled out a laptop made of driftwood from the finest seas. The Packet Boy had never seen anything so glorious, and couldn’t help but wonder if this magnificently strange device might somehow get him some eggnog at long last. The townsfolk was riveted to the chapped one as he laid out a game plan, and suddenly even Firewall Bob saw the light. They all got busy changing channels, turning down power, re-orienting antennas, and updating drivers. They also fired up the stranger’s Barney’s app and got theyself dressed up real snappy-like. It was magnificently high times!

The next day when Fat Santa rolled in, he found Ackville transformed. Between the smokin’ hot Wi-Fi and the high fashion, the portly present purveyor wasn’t sure if he took a wrong turn and somehow ended up in Sunnyvale or Milan. Everyone gathered around the cactus to celebrate, and Bay Area Clarice declared “…and we owe it all to the weird guy with his bum showing… hey, where’d he go?”

Sure enough, they looked around and the mysterious stranger was gone. But when the Packet Boy opened his canteen to drink some sand, it was full of eggnog!

The original Epic Wi-Fi Christmas Story      The second Epic Christmas Story

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