Dear Dubai Accountants, I’m Not Hiring

What do Mohasin, Afsal, Jinshad, Tibin, Alex, and Ajo all have in common? Each happens to be just one of the many, many more accountants from Dubai who wants to come work for me. The thing is, I already have an accountant. His name is Dan, and he’s in Baldwinsville. I see him once a year for my taxes… always ridiculously early in the morning, and we have coffee and great banter while we slog through the tax preparation process.

Sorry, Mohasin- I’m not about to rock that boat. Dan’s the man.

And that’s really the sum total of my accounting needs. I wish I could help the throngs of accountants from Dubai that somehow got my name… Evidently there is some misinformation afoot about the Badman & Badman financial dynasty that keeps these good folks interested in potential employment with me, but I’m here to tell you- I got nothing for you. I have no opportunities.

Hmmm. Let’s rethink this. I have nothing in accounting  available. But there are a couple of odd gigs I might need someone for if they have an open mind. All you Dubai folks, give these some thought- if you’re willing to stretch your comfort zone (or discomfort zone, as it were), I might be able to help a couple of you out with some short-term resume-building work.

  • Body Double For Upcoming Conference. I have a conference coming up in February, and there is this one guy who I don’t trust to stay the hell away from me. I’m considering using a decoy stunt double to better my odds of avoiding contact with Bender. The conference is in Scottsdale, Arizona, which can be problematic for me as well. When I was a child, a fortune teller once predicted I would someday be shot in the groin at a Jack-in-the-Box in Scottsdale. You can see where having a decoy might come in handy on numerous fronts. I would require you to fund any cosmetic surgery required to fool Bender and whoever is waiting to pop a cap in my ass, but the life skills gained on this venture will absolutely make you more marketable.
  • Squirrel Finder at Camp. For years I’ve been trying to get what I assume is a squirrel out of our camp attic. I’ve sealed up like six holes in the eaves, and probably have a metric ton of poison sprinkled around the attic. (I’m starting to wonder if maybe a woodpecker is collaborating on the squirrel’s project, because the entry holes are impressive- like if a beaver was in a bucket truck to get up that high.) Yet there is evidence in the ceiling in the bathroom that something is still running around up there. It’s driving me absolutely nuts. Take care of my problem once and for all and there is $100 in it for you.

Beyond these openings, I really, really don’t have any accounting work. Maybe you guys could spread the word there in the Dubai accounting circles?

Tell me what YOU think.

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