Leaked Intel Rocks the Wi-Fi World

In a mind-blowing release of leaked intelligence reports this week orchestrated by Archimedes McGeraldo-Fitzperhume, the head of WifiLeaks, the WLAN community is scrambling to digest and to react to a series of shocking revelations.

This tight-knit ecosystem of designers, engineers, installers, vendors, and salespeople is no doubt dumbfounded to it’s core over secrets that are no more, and it’s a safe bet many are scrambling to come up with damage-control strategies in the face of these shocking allegations.

Among the most salacious bombshells:

  • Tom Hollingsworth is a cyborg. 
  • Wireless LAN Professionals is a front for a radical paramilitary Wi-Fi organization. Beloved patriarch of the Wi-Fi community Keith Parsons is actually Major General Parsons, the brain and muscle behind a number of secret programs. Among the many operations in progress at the group’s clandestine facilities in Elk Snout, Utah:
    • Colonel Randall von Naggle heads up Men Who Stare at Wi-Fi, an experimental initiative that uses ESP to see RF cells
    • Dr. Clemente Samuelson has almost perfected “Lefty”, a hyper-sophisticated robotic hand capable of pouring whiskey and used for grabbing one’s own ass
    • Commander Lucille Hubersmythe is training an elite squadron of very flexible WLAN warriors for anticipated operations against the Xirrian Liberation Front
    • Next-Gen Videologist Benjamin Freedmanistan has mastered time travel, and will soon be livestreaming events yet to happen
  • Global Warming is actually the result of two major contributing factors:
    • the heat generated by all of the WLAN analytics crunching that is going on in murky data centers around the planet
    • uneaten gluten

This story continues to unfold, and it will no doubt get worse before it gets better.

<WTF did I just read? This was actually an April 1 (April Fools’ Day in the US) draft that I started, and never published. Just found it, and pushing it out for giggles.>

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