United Airlines to Regular Folks: You Can Suck It

Are you one of those people who only fly occasionally and have to watch every cent when you do, and don’t belong to a lofty airline loyalty group? Are you a college student or military member trying to get home for the holiday as inexpensively as possible? I got news for you, Champ… don’t even think about touching that overhead bin on a United Airlines flight.

How DARE you think that you can bring both your laptop AND a small bag of clothes on that pricey flight… It’s a new day in Customer Service for the airline, and in this case you will certainly be “serviced” – in the agricultural sense.

Times must be tough for United. After all, this guy needs a shitload of cash to upkeep. He must be worth it, because in the picture he’s doing that sincere wealthy CEO double hand-gesture. That sort of mojo is probably part of why YOU will get no overhead bin space, and like it.

After Hand-Gesture Guy got the axe/golden parachute, this smiley fella stepped in to a goldmine while the new acting CEO was out getting a new heart. He came back to millions and millions in compensation.

This isn’t all CEO-bashing on my part (just mostly, as it SEEMS absurd to me the dollars these guys pull down while we economy flyers are losing what certainly felt like a basic human courtesy in having a place to put a freakin’ bag).  Evidently crappy management also led to the airline needing to play costly catch up on other salaries. I’m all for paying the help, but I can’t get past the musical, expensive CEO thing.

Ah well. Maybe Mr. Munoz, the bazillion-dollar new heart guy CEO needs more ideas on how to screw me so he can get that paycheck up even higher (inflation, doncha know!). In that spirit, I offer:

  • Put in pay toilets back where the riff-raff sits
  • Require bring- your-own toilet paper, soap, and paper towels
  • Add coin slots to the reading lights
  • Raise the price of the stale sandwiches from $9 to $169 (go big or go home)
  • Put a credit card reader on each emergency exit and charge the lesser  passengers in the event of an emergency evacuation
  • Need a vest in the event of a water landing? That’ll be $230
  • Don’t even let people put a bag under the seat- dedicate every square inch of the aircraft to those better than than the cheap bastards buying those third-world tickets. Maybe somebody in first-class would like to stick their shoes under my seat?
  • Require the least desirable passengers to service the aircraft after it lands, or they can’t deplane
  • Charge low-end passengers $10 for an imaginary “interference filter” before they can use their own earbuds. Call it a mandatory safety procedure.

These are tough times for those at the top. We all should do our part to help them maintain the lifestyles they are accustomed to, even if it means sacrifices must be made.

Tell me what YOU think.

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